A text from a friend.

My dear friend Jasmine just sent me a text.

"I was looking at pics of us on fbook when I was skinny and you weren't. I wanna go back to that!"

She's a cunt.

Bed.

Well, I've been MIA. I turned 26 and I really didn't know how to get back to the blogging.

So, much has happened in my life since we last spoke.

1-800-Mattress just delivered me a Sealy Posturepedic and I now have wireless internet in my apartment.

Hold breath. More posts to come on the regular.

RIP?

Did Amy Winehouse die? What about Lindsay Lohan?

Just wondering.

Bye.

HOW NOW

How annoying is it that I say 'scuse or pardon me on the regular?

Tragina

Yesterday, was the Super Bowl. I went to see "The Princess and The Frog." By myself.

I cried at the trailer for the new Nicholas Sparks-Miley Cyrus collaboration.

Hating,
myself

Precious, I'm hungry!

I met Gabourey Sibide last night. Actually more like I talked AT her for a couple minutes.

I've never been star struck before but I've been obsessing over this film for MONTHS so when I was informed that she was in the restaurant that I am tragically employed at I just about lost my breath. Really.

When I was wrapping up my shift, I walked over to her table where she and her three girlfriends were talking about something having to do with Meryl Streep in "Sophie's Choice" which was a perfect segue for me and my awkwardness. It went something like this:

Me: Hey, I'm sorry to interupt you. I know this is so annoying but I just wanted to tell you that I thought you were great and I hope you beat Meryl Streep.

Drunk Precious: I hope I beat Meryl too! But you know who I'm really gunning for...(leaning into me to whisper)...Sandra.

Me: Shouldn't even be nominated!

Drunk Precious: I deserve it more!

Then I proceeded to yell a lot of things like,

"You do! You worked it out, girl. That movie? It was great. It touched me. I loved your work in it. People come in here and I've been telling them to go see it. Good luck!"

Then I ran off. Vagina.

Downward Dog

You know you're fat when you justify skipping yoga class because you don't want to be sweaty for your lunch date.

My lunch date, Trish, was unshowered and the last time we had a lunch date she was wearing a dress she wore the night before and was natch hungover.

Fat,
me

My teeth are falling out.

Well, my teeth may be falling out.

I used to love going to the dentist when I was younger.

That fresh, clean feeling. Getting that perfect smile.

In the last year, this has taken a slippery turn for the worst.

My dad's god-awful teeth have finally caught up with me.

A root canal here. A cavity there.

My lack of dental insurance or any REAL decent dental insurance led me to NYU's dental school where a student dentist with the bedside manner of Corky ala "Life Goes On" informed me that I had THE smile that everyone was trying to attain. She also informed me ten minutes prior that I had more than a handful of cavities and a root canal and probably was going to take some of my teeth out. Great.

This started in early 09. It just turned 10. I got myself a real effin' dentist the other day. So much for paying credit card debt but at least I can still perpetrate that i have the smile that everyone would kill for.

Well, except for the fact that this shit is on the intraweb. Oh and none of my teeth are really being removed.

New body, New sunglasses, New me!

I have yet to go to the gym to get that New-Years-no-initiation-fee start up deal.

I am justifying this by telling myself that all the fat losers who do that don't actually end up sticking with their new fitness regimen and since I already have been getting healthy I am clearly already more successful.

The future looks bright. Gotta wear shades?

Speaking of, I had a dream I was trying on sunglasses last night - I just remembered that now. Strange, huh? Perhaps because the last two pairs of sunglasses I've had are M.I.A. I stole the first pair from a friend's roommate. They were behind the microwave - so she thought they were gone anyway! And the second pair I bought at H&M and I'm pretty sure I sat on them or crushed them with my macbook shoving them into my bag. I am very gentle. Guess it's time for a new pair.

This is gay.

Ciao.

Lose.

The other night, after my first visit to the very homosexual institution that IS Splash's Musical Monday -- I made some bad decisions.

1. I got drunk (not really a bad decision except for the retarded decision making that then took place)

2. I forgot to use my free drink ticket before happy hour was over and then proceeded to try and play dumb to redeem it after hours, which wasn't really playing since I actually didn't know when to use it.

3. I drank a Bud Light. You see, I only allowed myself 25 dollars in cash as to not make bad decisions. And upon discovering Splash is cash only, I felt quite pleased with myself. That is until my gin & tonics exhausted nearly all my cash and I was twitching for another drink at which point a friend and I scraped our pennies together to make enough for two Bud Light bottles. Tragic.

4. Me and friend went to get McDonalds after bar.

5. I paid for double cheeseburger with my credit card.

6. I discovered something that resembled throw-up, baby food or marinara sauce on my Chucks.

7. I proceeded to go get cash in my apartment to go purchase a box of cookies at bodega.

8. Ate all of them. (8) Serving size. (1)

9. I texted someone I shouldn't have. Then freaked out when he wrote an appropriate, "?" back. I replied from my new number (which he purposefully DIDN'T have) with, "Wrong number. Sorry." Which may have looked like like, ""Wbneg bnumbr, ssory."

10. I discovered the same throw-up-pizza-sauce ish on my jeans. Passed out. Woke up at 530 am with the alcohol running through my body. Watched a bad gay-rom-com. It was really bad. Fell back asleep. Slept until noon.

Well, that's a lot of progress for 2010.

Boys

Today I looked up my fake ex-boyfriend on Facebook. He was my fake boyfriend because we were both in the closet. He still is. And works for the GOP. Hate!

I found pictures of him from Facebook when he looked great and would regularly walk all over me.

Then I found pictures of him where he looks like a miserable, bloated has-been. He has gained approximately 40 lbs and been blessed with a receding hairline.

Karma sucks.